You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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