Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
