I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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