FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
