Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
