Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize