I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
