listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
