there's paper in my vomit.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
