when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
