A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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