Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
