the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
