I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
