I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
