I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
