Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
