I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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