i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
