omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
