puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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