dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
