u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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