i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
its liver damage thursday
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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