broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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