You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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