My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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