I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
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