the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
