you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
