FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
