before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
this will be a night to untag.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The Olympian is in my bed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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