He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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