You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
