I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
