You're my little dorito
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
