She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
