Someone shit on the floor
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize