you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
