mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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