So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
