I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
