I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
