Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
