I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
