dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
