why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
