thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize