I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize