Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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