there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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