if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize