bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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