just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
