did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
