I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
