3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize